So, it seems increasingly likely The Thing isn't going to happen. (Okay, we can talk about it: honestly, I was trying to skip town and perform at an international theme park for a year. I am nothing if not terribly predictable.) I am contending now with the reality of staying. Of moving forward even if … Continue reading hallelujah, by and by:
i have often dreamed…
So, runDisney is officially moving the 2021 Walt Disney World Marathon to a virtual event, which, yeah, is the correct choice. And I have the option to get my money back and all good things. But, honestly, I'm pretty gutted. Which is weird, because I haven't been running. I was supposed to re-start my training … Continue reading i have often dreamed…
i don’t know. i was just sad. (volume: again)
(I don't always know what these are anymore. Maybe something closer to a poem:) (For you, Uncle Walt, I suppose. And for you. You know that, right? We don't have to talk about it.) The simple truth is that it hurts. It hurts all the time. I'm okay today. Listening to Disney songs, sitting on … Continue reading i don’t know. i was just sad. (volume: again)
a little hope at the lake
I don't hate myself today and that feels worth cataloging: Let me tell you about it, friend, if you'll indulge me. We're at a lake. It is green and blue and beautiful here. We spent last evening drinking rum and singing karaoke. It was easy to sing, it was easy not to hate my imperfect … Continue reading a little hope at the lake
okay
CW: Severe depression. Go gently, dear heart. "I'm sorry" is the refrain of my 11:30 pm sob session. (This is why I've been going to be at 9 o'clock lately, I suspect.) I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I need to tell you any of this. I've never been religious, but … Continue reading okay
again
I've cleaned everything. I've Swiffered and dusted and wiped and laundered and lit nice fall-smelling candles and showered and poured a glass of water and chosen the right playlist and put on the comfy sweatshirt and the comfy socks and gotten cozy under the Spider-Man blanket and this is when the words are supposed to … Continue reading again
the queer kid power of nicknames
In high school drama, my nickname was "Hero." I didn't really earn it in any meaningful way. Our teacher called attendance that first morning of ninth grade with the instructions: "And if you want to be called by another name... if you want to be, I don't know, Hero or something..." So, when he called … Continue reading the queer kid power of nicknames
these are your first steps (again)
Hey, remember that time I was supposed to be training for my first marathon? Yeah. So, here's the thing: I'm still sad. As I've mentioned before, I really thought I'd be "fine" by June, the starting month of my original training plan. But I wasn't. And I'm still kind of not? But I am better. … Continue reading these are your first steps (again)
sundays and forever
Sunday morning: Wake up with a headache. Feed the cat. Make the bed. Order a bagel (again). Do all the dishes by hand. Twitch nervously at the keyboard. Get sad. (Always, it seems, I'm so fucking sorry.) Put on the theme to Jurassic Park (again) and try to feel something good. It is just now 10 am. … Continue reading sundays and forever
happy belated national roller coaster day
Apparently, August 16 was National Roller Coaster Day. My favorite roller coaster is The Hulk at Universal's Islands of Adventure. I like how there's barely any time to panic, because you get shot into the first drop so fast. This perhaps will not surprise you about me, but I enjoy not having time to panic. … Continue reading happy belated national roller coaster day
the decision jar, adventure #1
Yesterday one of my best friends gifted me a magical jar. It is an ordinary (seemingly) mason jar which she'd decorated with yellow ribbon and pretty scrapbooking paper. Inside it there are more scraps of neatly folded pretty paper. I've written before about how much I'm struggling with, "Oh, dear God, what should I do?!" … Continue reading the decision jar, adventure #1
i don’t always know what this is.
Some days it feels like this is all I remember how to do. To start crying from that place of aching emptiness, from the most pitiful pity parties every thrown on this green Earth. I start crying and then I come here to tell you about it. I can't stop telling you. I know I … Continue reading i don’t always know what this is.
