Sometimes with one I love I fill myself with rage for fear I effuse unreturn’d love,
But now I think there is no unreturn’d love, the pay is certain one way or another
(I loved a certain person ardently and my love was not return’d,
Yet out of that I have written these songs).
(Uncle Walt again, naturally, always.)
I have been confused about a lot of things, and I am sure that I will continue to be so. Life is fucking confusing, after all. But here is something I know for sure:
I look back on those I have loved when I called myself a woman, and I think also of those I loved and love in this new version of myself which is perhaps actually the old version of myself. And I am sure that I have not been once wrong about the truth of being in love, and, therefore, I do not consider a single second wasted.
I am growing and I am changing and I think I am walking in the direction of MY TRUE AUTHENTIC SELF in big capital letters, but each and every stop along the way… I have not been “wrong.”
I have not been a liar.
For this, at least, I will not hate myself.
There is that sweet meme going around: It’s okay if you didn’t always know.
I really, really didn’t. And then, one day, I just knew with such clarity and intensity, and I could not turn away from it. Could not shove it all back in a box.
(I am so sorry.)
I imagine a first date now. How to even begin. How to introduce myself to you. “Hello,” I might say. Maybe I will bring your knuckles to my lips at our first meeting. I have always wanted to be that smooth. Maybe this is actually creepy? I’m honestly not sure. Confidence is rather alien to me.
“Hello,” I might say. “My name is Dani. Yes, yes, I am a Gemini, but please let me finish. There are some other things that I haven’t quite figured out yet, but, based on some fanfiction I’m really into, I suspect that I might be a service top who cries? Again, still working on that bit. I would like to buy you ice cream and find out what your favorite books are. The rest of it, the rest of me… well, it only matters so much in that I am feeling close to whole now, and if I wasn’t whole, I don’t think I could buy you any ice cream.”
Yet out of that I have written these songs.)
These are my songs. Of time spent, not wasted. Of names changed, not forgotten. Of love transmogrified, not discarded. Of he and she and me and they and everyone in between.
I see you. (I have seen you for longer than you know, I think.) You are so very beautiful. You are far away, yes, but I am still standing here on the dock, waving as you go across the horizon.
I will stand here until after dark.
Thank you for considering me.