I am ready to be my own Voice in my own head. I am ready to be louder than the Voices that have told me so many so many so many lies for so so so long.
(Part of being loud is showing up here, I think. I still took a little break. I’ll be cool this time. Don’t fuss.)
Had a nice talk with my roommate in our kitchen a few nights ago, and she helped me realize:
I am strong and brave and tough, but that does not mean that I am okay.
Because I am not okay. I wasn’t okay before THIS all went down, and then THIS all went down, and well, here we all are, dear ones.
What I want to say to me (which, of course, really, is what I want to say to you, too): I am proud of you. I am proud of you without expectation that you ever create a single other thing. I am proud of you if you never make another dollar. I am proud of you for being kind, for showing up, for trying. I am proud of you for making it through a single day, because all of this is hard, and I love you without caveat.
You never have to do a “good” thing ever again. You are good, and that is it.
THIS has taught me a lot of things. I am learning more and more about what is important to me, am learning what I feel I can do to help during a rough time*, am learning who loves me exactly as I am; soft, mewling they-mess that I am.
(I am so angry, and maybe one day I will tell you.)
Not to be an asshole, here, but this is a thing I really need you to know: I will buy you a blue Powerade and a chocolate chip cookie whether you win the game or not, okay? I don’t care if you fell down every fucking second, and if every single ball flew through your fingers. I don’t care that you wished you had been at home, reading a book on the floor with your stuffed animals. I am still proud of you, Soft Thing.
(I am very very tired.)
Sweetest ones, all of you: Take your meds if you’ve got ’em. Drink lots of water. Go outside if you’re able to get up. (You don’t have to be ready yet.) I read a book today, and that was really nice.
And, hey: if you need to lie in bed all day, that’s okay, too. If you can, wash your pillowcases. You deserve it.
I don’t know. Today: I read a few chapters of a book for the first time in months. I went for two walks. I wrote. I made it through an ENTIRE MOVIE, WHICH HAS FELT SO IMPOSSIBLE RECENTLY.
I didn’t solve any of my problems, I guess? I didn’t make any forward momentum. But maybe this was forward momentum. I am waging war against my brain most of the time, so any day that we do not want to throw in the towel is a step forward, and I wish…
I don’t know. I’m so tired.
But I made it through a movie.
The point, again, is: You are so good. I won’t give up if you won’t, okay?
* I’M WRITING SOFT FANFICS HIT ME UP IF YOU NEED. LOVE YOU.