i’m not ready, or: ben solo deserved better, or: yes, i’m still upset about this

Let me be upfront:

I only saw Rise of Skywalker once.

Because I really, really hated it.

(So, forgive me if I do not eloquently cite my sources here, okay? Okay.)

But, today, I find myself Google-ing, “When can I watch Rise of Skywalker on Disney+?”

DAMN YOU, MOUSE.

Because, OKAY, FINE. There were a few moments I liked, I guess. I’m a Fan Service-Y Buttercup, and I LIKED CHEWIE GETTING THE MEDAL, OKAY? I CRIED.

I liked Wedge showing up!

I liked when Rey called Leia “Master!”

I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT BABU FRIK, AND I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR IT.

And… SIGH. (I’m sorry.)

I still really, really, really like Kylo Ren.

I’m biased, of course. If you’ve been following this blog for a minute, you already know that Kylo Ren is the Star Wars character whom I’m apparently, scientifically most like. And I fierce-guard the characters whom I identify with, because that is my tiny way of fierce-guarding me.

You know the moment from Rise of Skywalker I want to see again? I mean, I could see the moment today. It’s been pretty meme-ified. But I want to see Ben Solo confronting the Knights of Ren, I want to see him give that little “This might as well be happening” shrug, and then I want to see him kick ass.

Because I am still so enchanted by the promise of Ben Solo, even if I am angry about the execution. I am grateful that, at least for two movies, we were presented with a character being torn in half by his own identity. I will not let the whiny, MRA fanboys claim Ben Solo.

BECAUSE I CLAIM HIM. I plant my Angry, Bipolar II, Nerd-Who-Is-Comfier-In-A-Costume, Desperate-For-Validation Flag in Ben Solo, dammit, and you cannot take him from me!

And, also, like, okay, I GET IT, Rise of Skywalker. If I have to go out, I also want to get to save the day and kiss Daisy Ridley. I GET IT.

(IT WAS THE ONE THING I DIDN’T WANT TO HAPPEN. COME ON, J.J.)

AUGH.

Because this might as well be happening. I feel that a lot lately. I feel a strange strength in these terrible days that comes from, “Guys, it’s cool, I was already in agony. I can handle this too.” And now I just want to do what I can to try to take care of you, too. Because you’re a beautiful badass, and I’m just not ready to let go. I don’t know who linked our minds to begin with, and I know that you have bigger stuff going on, and I’m trying to respect that, but… yeah.

(Look, it’s not that I’m proud of identifying with Kylo Ren. Some things just are what they are.)

At Dragon Con last year, I got to portray Kylo Ren in a live reading of The Force Doth Awaken. And I was good. And I sure hope that Dragon Con is fully operational again some day, because I’m looking forward to playing Ben again in The Merry Rise of Skywalker. (I WILL GET IN LINE FOR THE PANEL NOW.)

(I also want to hear “Hey, kid” again. Some day.)

(Damn, this movie is garbage.)

(… I’m really ready to see it again.)

No one’s ever really gone.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s