Hey Star Wars,
It’s me, again. It’s Dani.
So, I feel like I’ve been kind of a jerk to you for the past couple of months, and I’m here to make peace.
The night that I saw Rise of Skywalker… it was in the middle of one of the most complicated weeks of my life to date. A months-long panic attack started just a few days before I joined so many of my favorite people to sit in the dark and watch this so-anticipated movie. And here’s the thing, Star Wars.
I needed you too much.
I sat hunched forward for the entire movie, heart pounding before the trailers had even started, not even remotely relaxed. It had been a terrible, horrible week, and I didn’t know this for sure yet, but it was just the beginning in a series of really tough times, and Star Wars, I was praying that you knew how to fix me. That you knew how to come along, and dig your way down into my heart and extract the emotional shrapnel that might be buried there.
I needed you to fix me, Star Wars. Because you’re my hero, right?
I get so frantic-excited-overwhelmed about the things that I love, and you are no exception, Star Wars. I was a DISASTER at Galaxy’s Edge, and, honestly, I’m a little embarrassed by it now.
It’s hard for me not to put to much pressure on you, and I’m sorry. You’re, and it PAINS me to say this- you’re just a movie. You’re a series of movie that (even you, Rise of Skwaylker) were made with love and craftsmanship and passion, and, maybe you don’t always do things the way that I would have done them, but also YOU DON’T OWE ME ANYTHING. I know a lot of people who liked you, Rise of Skywalker, and I am sincerely so happy for them. You were made to be enjoyed, not agonized over.
I lose sight of that sometimes. Especially when I am already in agony, you know?
This is my goal for today: I have work to do, and I am scared by it. I am very stressed out and worried today, but I can get through it. You taught me to be brave, Star Wars. Thank you. You taught me to work hard, and to take the help of my friends. I’m gonna need both those lessons today, and all days.
I have work to do. For the first time in a long, I have a full day’s worth of it. But afterwards, when the work is over, I am going to challenge myself to feel something like contentment. Something like pride in myself for making it through another day.
Because I have lived through these agonies and I will live through more, and there’s so much good Star Wars content for me to enjoy if I need to feel better at the end of a long day.
I lived. So, I am going to challenge myself to feel something like contentment, encourage these knots in my stomach to unfurl, and I’m going to lean back against my pillows, and I’m going to try to enjoy Rise of Skywalker with fresh eyes.
I owe you that much, Star Wars.
May the Force Be With You.