i have often dreamed…

So, runDisney is officially moving the 2021 Walt Disney World Marathon to a virtual event, which, yeah, is the correct choice. And I have the option to get my money back and all good things.

But, honestly, I’m pretty gutted.

Which is weird, because I haven’t been running. I was supposed to re-start my training plan yesterday morning, but, in the interest of being super upfront, I was sleepy and still a little rum-tipsy from the night before.

It’s been such A YEAR, you know? I know you know. This just sucks.

I always put a lot of pressure on a long distance race. Because it always feels like the opportunity to outrun all the bad shit. It feels like an opportunity to be strong and fast and free. It’s something I’m proud of myself for doing and I can’t argue my way out of it having been cool.

I’m really tired.

I don’t know what’s stopping me from running on my own beyond still feeling like I don’t deserve to feel that way. I still feel bad and wrong and foolish and evil, so why should I get to do anything that makes me feel good about myself, you know? Why should I get to feel proud of myself?

(I wanted you to be proud of me too.)

I walked this morning. Twice, even. I walked once while talking on the phone to my mom and then I walked in person with my best friend, sipping my pumpkin coffee and talking about, of course, Disney World. And my kind voice says that’s all something worth being proud of. That four nice miles with people I love is worth celebrating.

One day I will run a marathon at Walt Disney World. My training goal by then, I think, is now less about the times or the distances, but about getting myself to a place where I can enjoy things without feeling that I need to earn them. I don’t have to deserve feeling good and neither do you.

Last night I cried again. It still happens a lot. But I’m working on it. That’s part of what writing here is. This is part of the training. Pumpkin coffee and daydreaming with friends is part of the training. I think my heart is so much stronger than I believe. I feel weak and creaky in my knees and I feel heavy and slow, but my heart is fucking shredded.

I will find my way, I can go the distance
I’ll be there someday, if I can be strong
I know every mile will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong

I was supposed to run four miles tomorrow morning. I’m still going to try, I think. Going to try to let it be okay if I’m slow and teary. And I’m going to drink my pumpkin coffee and try to challenge myself to be proud of each step.

Because they’ve each gotten me this far, haven’t they?

We might be stopped, but we’re not turning around. Drink some water. Stretch your legs.

Keep moving forward.

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