(Title courtesy of my dear friend Kati Grace.)
Hello, I am intoxicated and I can’t stop watching Todrick Hall’s “CinderFella”from 2012.
My name is Dani and I am gay.
(I don’t know everything that means yet. I am trying.)
When I was in high school, I loved my best friend and didn’t know what to call it. When I was in college, I loved a best friend and kissed them, even, and didn’t know what to call it. When I was…
(I’m sorry. I’ll stop.)
(I’m not done. Feeling these things. I will keep them closer to the vest, I promise.)
Ever since I tiptoed into coming out last weekend… I feel like I’ve been watching the red strings line up on the bulletin board of my life. Why have I always related more to the boy-Disney “I Want” songs? “Out There?” “I’m Still Here?” “Go the Distance?”
I have often dreamed
I’m a boy, no, I’m a man
Where ordinary men walk freely walk about there
Fuck.
(Liquid courage and all. Here we go:)
I long to say this to you:
“My name is Daniel Elton. I don’t know everything else yet, but can I take you out for ice cream?”
How afraid I am of being unlovable. How afraid I still am that I’m “wrong.” Though, as someone dear pointed out to me recently, do cis people think about gender this much?
(I can tell you. It’s something of a secret. It’s okay. It’s okay:)
I think I might be a boy.
(When I think about it, it makes a lot of sense.)
And it makes me sad. Because maybe I’m not courageous enough to “do” anything about it? I don’t know yet. I long for a flatter chest, a deeper voice…
Fuck.
I don’t want to disappoint anyone more than I already have. This is my fear. This is what trips me up. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to make anyone sad.
But I want to sing with this lower, righter voice. I want to see what he sounds like.
(I’m sorry.)
(I love you.)
If you’re out there, and I know you are: I am proud of you forever. Whatever you call yourself, whatever you decide. I will defend you forever. I will fight for you. You made me consider being brave. You made me consider telling the truth. Thank you. I adore you. It’s going to be okay, for both of us, I think.
I don’t know. I still don’t know for sure. I don’t want to make anyone sad. But… I don’t know.
“Daniel.”
I wonder what he’s like.
I wonder if he’s brave.
