queer-simodo

(Title courtesy of my dear friend Kati Grace.)

Hello, I am intoxicated and I can’t stop watching Todrick Hall’s “CinderFella”from 2012.

My name is Dani and I am gay.

(I don’t know everything that means yet. I am trying.)

When I was in high school, I loved my best friend and didn’t know what to call it. When I was in college, I loved a best friend and kissed them, even, and didn’t know what to call it. When I was…

(I’m sorry. I’ll stop.)

(I’m not done. Feeling these things. I will keep them closer to the vest, I promise.)

Ever since I tiptoed into coming out last weekend… I feel like I’ve been watching the red strings line up on the bulletin board of my life. Why have I always related more to the boy-Disney “I Want” songs? “Out There?” “I’m Still Here?” “Go the Distance?”

I have often dreamed

I’m a boy, no, I’m a man

Where ordinary men walk freely walk about there

Fuck.

(Liquid courage and all. Here we go:)

I long to say this to you:

“My name is Daniel Elton. I don’t know everything else yet, but can I take you out for ice cream?”

How afraid I am of being unlovable. How afraid I still am that I’m “wrong.” Though, as someone dear pointed out to me recently, do cis people think about gender this much?

(I can tell you. It’s something of a secret. It’s okay. It’s okay:)

I think I might be a boy.

(When I think about it, it makes a lot of sense.)

And it makes me sad. Because maybe I’m not courageous enough to “do” anything about it? I don’t know yet. I long for a flatter chest, a deeper voice…

Fuck.

I don’t want to disappoint anyone more than I already have. This is my fear. This is what trips me up. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to make anyone sad.

But I want to sing with this lower, righter voice. I want to see what he sounds like.

(I’m sorry.)

(I love you.)

If you’re out there, and I know you are: I am proud of you forever. Whatever you call yourself, whatever you decide. I will defend you forever. I will fight for you. You made me consider being brave. You made me consider telling the truth. Thank you. I adore you. It’s going to be okay, for both of us, I think.

I don’t know. I still don’t know for sure. I don’t want to make anyone sad. But… I don’t know.

“Daniel.”

I wonder what he’s like.

I wonder if he’s brave.

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