(because the song is playing on my Wrapped playlist again and I never have the heart to skip it. thank you, mr. williams.)
Here is what no one can take away from me: (No, not those who actively seek to drain me nor those who just unknowingly leech my sparkle.)
I am a Hufflepuff. That was a fact that once meant very much to me. It mattered to me to see myself in a badger-clad group proud of their loyalty and their gentleness. I am no Gryffindor, but I will fight in the final battle, always. (I believe.)
It is silly, perhaps, but it meant something to me to walk around the corner of Diagon Alley in sunny Orlando, FL, my Hufflepuff headband proud and shining against my hair.
I am grown now. And I am not leaving behind headbands or stories or magic. But I am saying “no, thank you, fuck off” to bullies and to cowards. To those that crow their hatred loud and proud and to those that just look at me sadly because they do not want to take the time to understand me.
I am a Hufflepuff. I believe in justice and friendship and working hard.
I do not have a New Year’s resolution. What else is there to come up with when you feel like there’s something daily that needs to be fixed about you, you know? I do not have a New Year’s resolution.
If my Hufflepuff heart stays willing and brave and true, and if I remember the words I have written here, if I take the time to recall the tears I have shed… painful, hopeful, confused, angry, full of dreams… next week I will step outside of the body I have always known and walk towards something that feels better in my heart.
“It’s enough that you want it.”
I have been so eager to find my identity in nerd spheres over and over and over again, because I have never wanted to be myself. I have wanted to pretend to be Aziraphale, to be Peter Parker, to be anyone other than me.
I don’t know if this will change that feeling. I’m really scared. As I read back over my writing from last year, I see bravery and excitement, but I also read reluctance and fear. A hesitance to speak from my heart. Like there’s still some threat in saying the words out loud. For someone who rambles as much as I do, I have a hard time getting to the point. I have a hard time being simple and saying the words that matter the most.
I am a Hufflepuff. (She will not take that away from me.)
I am transgender. (No one will make me feel badly about it.)
I had an appointment on Monday. I can start testosterone next week. (It’s enough that you want it.)
My New Year’s resolution (fuck) is not to be stronger. It is not to hurt less. I am a soft, sensitive marshmallow creature and I will continue to cry over the beauty of whales for no other reason than I can. No, my resolution (fuck) is just to believe. In myself, in you, in the power of the magic we wield together.
It’s enough that you want it.
You are enough. I am enough. We are not broken or wrong. We cannot fail.
(It’s important to me that we both remember.)
Happy New Year, brave hearts.