Y’all, sometimes I feel like all I do is apply for things. Jobs, grad schools, international theme park performance contracts… It’s like I’m always on the hunt, you know?
Here’s the thing: I have two jobs already. I’m mildly financially secure. (I can pay my rent at least, you know?) I went to school once already and it was perfectly lovely. I have played cool Shakespeare roles and had my works produced and SOMETIMES I DO GET THE THINGS I APPLY FOR.
So, what am I still chasing?
There’s nothing better than opening a “Congratulations” e-mail, am I right? I keep applying to Good Omens fanzines, mostly because I need some type of validation while I wait about grad school acceptances.
(I might not get in. Breathe.)
(… I don’t always get into the zines either. It’s okay.)
I don’t know what it would be like to feel “content.” To look around, to look backwards, to consider all I have “accomplished” thus far and to decide… Okay! That’s super cool! High fives all around! Let’s crack open a Cherry Coke and feel GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES.
(Is that a thing people feel?! As opposed to this gnawing persistent hunger… Always want more, always do more, you are never enough, you are never finished.)
How do we grow with peace and grace? How do we “keep moving forward” without discounting everything we’ve already done?
This thing that rejected me last week was a big one. It would have been a Big Deal, at least financially. I could have gone to Disney World without feeling like the most irresponsible human being alive.
(I’m still going to go to Disney World. I’m a whimsical fucking creature, okay? I NEED DOLE WHIP TO SURVIVE.)
That’s the trick about applying to stuff constantly: I am always braced for “NO.” “FUCK YOU, YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH. YOU AREN’T WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR. WHY WOULD YOU EVER BE SO FOOLISH TO ASSUME OTHERWISE?!”
But, in the immortal words of Chumbawumba, we get knocked down, but…
We get up again.
So, here I sit in my faithful pink bathrobe, drinking coffee from my Galaxy’s Edge mug, listening to Fleetwood Mac, and… I’m okay. It’s okay.
You’re okay too.
Let’s have a great fucking day, okay?