It’s not time to make a change
Just relax, take it slowly
You’re still young, that’s your fault
There’s so much you have to go through
Can’t relax. Can’t take it slowly, THAT’S my fault.
Okay, new plan, Team. (If you can stand it. I know I’m a lot:)
I’ve been really, really low since the summer of 2019. Which is frustrating, because really great things were happening. I directed my play! It was so good! I was with my best friends all the time!
But, also, looking back, I probably needed to go to the hospital.
(Looking inward, it might not be the worst idea to go now. But I’m scared. Always scared.)
I don’t want to keep calling out of work because I can’t stop crying.
So, I’m going to try something different.
Call this accountability, thanks for being here.
I’m going to wait for the official grad school “no.” (I’ve waited this long, haven’t I?) I’m going to wait that long. And then it’s time to start plotting my grand escape down South.
The past two years have been really heavy and I am working on accepting that I need a break. And Orlando sounds like a break in my heart. Sounds like an absence of hustle, sounds like an abundance of sunshine and of being nice to people as my way to make a living.
I can pack Clementine up in our little blue Nissan Altima and head for the lack of hills.
I think I have to, at this point. I have to, have to, have to challenge my fucked up belief that, if I will, I will be forgotten. So, therefore, I stay somewhere where I am no longer happy.
I am not happy. It’s hard to write, it’s hard to say.
And I KNOW. Orlando isn’t going to “fix” me. That’s the other piece. I have to believe that I am not broken. But I am tired. I am really, really tired and I just want to ensure your safety on the Haunted Mansion for a little while and then I want to go home and sleep. That’s it.
I need that to be enough for a little while.
And, yeah, I’ve met me, I’ll probably keep relentlessly applying to weird stuff, but maybe the chorus of “no” will ring softer in my ears in Florida.
Fuck, maybe I’m just thirsty for orange juice.
But I still want to be a day’s drive from you. Want to know I can get back here if you need me. I love you. You’re not why I’m unhappy.
I’m just so tired.
When you come visit me, we can hold hands and I can ensure your safety on the Haunted Mansion maybe.