to t or not to t

(I mean, it’s not really a question anymore. I stopped.)

This morning I was working on picking out a monologue for Trans-speare when the ugly voices made their way into my brain again.

You stopped taking testosterone. You were never really serious. It’s as we suspected all along: you’re just a cis girl who wanted attention, right? You’re not really trans.

And man, fuck you, ugly voice.

Yes, I stopped taking my testosterone. I talked to my doctor and she was very cool and supportive and quick to remind me that I am, in fact, still trans.

So, I clock that this is an aspect of my own internalized transphobia: how hard it has been to believe myself. How hard it has been to look in the mirror at my “female” body and accept it for what I know it to really be.

My personal reason for stopping at this time is: I was looking at testosterone as a fix, as a solution. Because I still believe myself to be a broken thing. And that is something I want to challenge and fight. Because I am already good and already enough, even if I don’t have the voice or face I necessarily I want.

I thought I was already so old, so I had to get started NOW, but the truth is that I am still very new to my trans journey and I am allowed to take the time I need to explore, to question, to feel wholly and excitedly ready.

I am not broken and, therefore, there is nothing to fix. There is only moving forward to our dreams and our hopes. Me, personally? I need to get right with my brain and my heart before I think I’m ready to do anything about my body. But wherever you are… you’re doing so fucking awesome. I think it’s okay and important for us to talk about how these experiences are different for everyone. There’s not a Right Way To Be Trans. Maybe I’ll never get back on T and that would be okay. Maybe I’ll never have surgery and that would also be okay.

Today it is enough to wear my “boy sweater” and my “girl shorts” (clothes are so dumb) and to sip from my iced coffee and to listen to Journey and to consider a version of myself that is not a problem to solve.

You’re doing so good.

Published by Dani

I like breakfast, marine mammals, Star Wars, comedy, the song "Dead Man's Party," and Halloween musical revues at theme parks. Let's be friends!

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