easy like wednesday morning

It was easy this morning.

It was easy to wake up, to feed Clementine, to make my bed, to lace up my shoes, and go.

It was easy to appreciate the morning sunshine and to anticipate the iced vanilla latte. It was easy to smile as I listed in my head all my planned Disney World outfits:

Animal Kingdom: Gay safari look.

Magic Kingdom: Gay floral shirt.

Epcot: Gay jumpsuit.

Hollywood Studios: Gay Star Wars shirt.

(I have a brand.)

It was easy to pull on my outfit today and not immediately hate all the supposed imperfections of my body. It was easy to just be happy that the weather’s good for shorts right now. It was easy to choose the Jurassic Park soundtrack from my Spotify lists. It was easy to daydream about dinosaurs.

It was easy this morning.

Last night it was hard.

It was hard not to lie in bed and endlessly recount all the awful things I have ever done, every selfish decision I have ever made. It was hard to resist the urge- and so I did not- to just put on Space Jam again and let Bugs Bunny lull me to sleep.

Again.

It was hard not to shout into my own brain YOU ARE A FAILURE YOU HAVE ALREADY FAILED WHY EVEN TRY YOU JUST LET EVERYONE DOWN YOU RUIN EVERYTHING WHY AREN’T YOU MORE SUCCESSFUL ALREADY I FUCKING HATE YOU.

It was hard last night.

But… it’s easy this morning? And I don’t know what that means beyond: wherever you are in the rollercoaster, just keep hanging on to your lap bar, okay? If you’re not ready to stick your arms in the air, it’s okay. I’ll buy you your picture at the end of the ride anyway, because it’s wonderful that you even got on.

Okay?

I will offer you almost anything, I think. Your rollercoaster picture, a churro, the souvenir soda cup that I would only buy for you.

I love you. There is always sunshine and a churro somewhere. We just have to hang on until then.

Published by Dani

I like breakfast, marine mammals, Star Wars, comedy, the song "Dead Man's Party," and Halloween musical revues at theme parks. Let's be friends!

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