rey (ben), these are your first steps.

I am having all these dreams since the appointment. Sometimes I have the opportunity to say out loud “I am transgender” to my late grandmother and she just hugs me. Sometimes my face contorts in the mirror before my eyes and I look as handsome as Adam Driver. Sometimes I am brave and truly whollyContinue reading “rey (ben), these are your first steps.”

leaving hogwarts, part III

(because the song is playing on my Wrapped playlist again and I never have the heart to skip it. thank you, mr. williams.) Here is what no one can take away from me: (No, not those who actively seek to drain me nor those who just unknowingly leech my sparkle.) I am a Hufflepuff. ThatContinue reading “leaving hogwarts, part III”

i don’t know. i was sad. (AGAIN)

CW: struggles with internalized transphobia and low body image. I feel fucking exhausted. My stomach hurts and I feel fucking exhausted. I know I said I wasn’t going to do this again for a little while, but when have I ever been the model of restraint? Things hurt today and I want to get itContinue reading “i don’t know. i was sad. (AGAIN)”

i might not get into grad school

My writing sample might not be good enough. My statements of purpose might be a mess. My resume might not be impressive. I might click the wrong button on the application. Maybe my undergrad GPA just isn’t up to snuff. On and on and on. Getting into grad school feels so very high stakes, soContinue reading “i might not get into grad school”

don’t fear the reaper: is the song i was listening to while i wrote this

The thing, I think, is this: If I can make All This into something beautiful, then is it perhaps possible I might be something beautiful? (I have been called beautiful at least once, that I recall with the clarity of a star collapsing.) I feel like I am running out of time to be gettingContinue reading “don’t fear the reaper: is the song i was listening to while i wrote this”

i thank the lord for the people i have found, or: a little more to do about fanfiction

A year ago today, I published my first piece of fanfiction since (probably) middle school. And oh, I AGONIZED over the task of actually writing the damn thing: I would sit on my couch in the dark at night, sipping on sweet fucking Shiraz, and listening to the same love songs over and over andContinue reading “i thank the lord for the people i have found, or: a little more to do about fanfiction”

that shines from you (i’ve probably already used that as a title, haven’t it? dammit, dani)

The plays (for now!) are done! Nothing to write but blogs and fics and grad school essays! How am I coping, you might be wondering? Well, I’ve watched Rocketman three nights in a row, for a starter. Here’s the thing: I just… fucking love this movie. I never expected it to hit me the wayContinue reading “that shines from you (i’ve probably already used that as a title, haven’t it? dammit, dani)”