But I can’t right now. Okay, I guess I could. I could wake up with my alarm, could lace up my sneakers, could trudge out the front door, could move my body intentionally, could feel something like pride at the exertion… But I can’t right now. Because, you see, everything still hurts. And I don’tContinue reading “i used to be a runner”
Tag Archives: depression
i think this is a poem
TW: suicidal ideation; mind your heart I was already in bed when I decided I wanted to walk into the sea. (There is no shoreline. There is nowhere to go.) So, instead I pulled a bathrobe on and grabbed a wine glass (you know which one) and I watched the gas station Cabernet slosh likeContinue reading “i think this is a poem”
everything’s fine (so why aren’t i?)
I woke up at 7:30 this morning and made some blueberry pancakes from a box. And they were good. I even had whipped cream to top them with instead of maple syrup which, in my opinion, is the right way to do fruity pancakes. There is pumpkin spice creamer in my coffee in my veryContinue reading “everything’s fine (so why aren’t i?)”
(almost a year later) the rise of skywalker
Fine. (Let me be abundantly clear: I still hate this movie.) … I think. a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away: I saw Rise of Skywalker for the first and (until very recently) only time on opening night last December. And I’ve written about this before, but I needed it too much.Continue reading “(almost a year later) the rise of skywalker”
a promise lives within you now
May it be an evening starShines down upon youMay it be when darkness fallsYour heart will be trueYou walk a lonely roadOh, how far you are from home I think the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life was when I was in middle school and discovering The Lord of the Rings for theContinue reading “a promise lives within you now”
sitting with depression
My routine is pretty capital-D DEPRESSED right now: I get woken up by my cat around 6:30 am, I get up to feed him, I struggle to get back to bed, because now that cute little motherfucker wants to hang out, I eventually get myself into the kitchen for coffee and a microwaved breakfast burrito,Continue reading “sitting with depression”
i’m tired (again, part two? i don’t remember)
CW: Being a fucking idiot. (specifically regarding medication) I love you. Go gently. So, I ran out of my meds… I don’t remember when.* *I’M FIXING THIS TOMORROW, I ABSOLUTELY PROMISE. I KNOW THIS IS BAD.* It’s been over a week. Sometimes I get stubborn about them, see. I don’t want them. I don’t wantContinue reading “i’m tired (again, part two? i don’t remember)”
how to rally when you don’t get cast at an international theme park
BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD, NERDS. So, The Thing isn’t happening. I auditioned virtually for Universal Studios Japan and Beijing a few months ago and, honestly, I made it decently far in the proceedings. So, like, good for me. I’m gonna hang on to that. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to auditionContinue reading “how to rally when you don’t get cast at an international theme park”
okay
CW: Severe depression. Go gently, dear heart. “I’m sorry” is the refrain of my 11:30 pm sob session. (This is why I’ve been going to be at 9 o’clock lately, I suspect.) I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know why I need to tell you any of this. I’ve never been religious, butContinue reading “okay”
again
I’ve cleaned everything. I’ve Swiffered and dusted and wiped and laundered and lit nice fall-smelling candles and showered and poured a glass of water and chosen the right playlist and put on the comfy sweatshirt and the comfy socks and gotten cozy under the Spider-Man blanket and this is when the words are supposed toContinue reading “again”
sundays and forever
Sunday morning: Wake up with a headache. Feed the cat. Make the bed. Order a bagel (again). Do all the dishes by hand. Twitch nervously at the keyboard. Get sad. (Always, it seems, I’m so fucking sorry.) Put on the theme to Jurassic Park (again) and try to feel something good. It is just now 10 am.Continue reading “sundays and forever”
the decision jar, adventure #1
Yesterday one of my best friends gifted me a magical jar. It is an ordinary (seemingly) mason jar which she’d decorated with yellow ribbon and pretty scrapbooking paper. Inside it there are more scraps of neatly folded pretty paper. I’ve written before about how much I’m struggling with, “Oh, dear God, what should I do?!”Continue reading “the decision jar, adventure #1”
