the decision jar, adventure #1

Yesterday one of my best friends gifted me a magical jar. It is an ordinary (seemingly) mason jar which she’d decorated with yellow ribbon and pretty scrapbooking paper. Inside it there are more scraps of neatly folded pretty paper. I’ve written before about how much I’m struggling with, “Oh, dear God, what should I do?!”Continue reading “the decision jar, adventure #1”

i don’t always know what this is.

Some days it feels like this is all I remember how to do. To start crying from that place of aching emptiness, from the most pitiful pity parties every thrown on this green Earth. I start crying and then I come here to tell you about it. I can’t stop telling you. I know IContinue reading “i don’t always know what this is.”

surprise, surprise; some stuff about depression

I judge myself a lot lately for writing here as frequently as I do. I don’t feel as though I have anything new or exciting or particularly thoughtful to express. I used to think this blog was going to be the beginning of my pathway to writing for io9 or some other cool online nerdContinue reading “surprise, surprise; some stuff about depression”

of dreams and courage (again, always)

Remember who you are. (I’m sorry, Mufasa.) (Also: no, YOU’RE watching Disney fireworks on YouTube and crying in your bathrobe. Get it together. [Don’t. You’re perfect.]) (I miss you. I guess that’s usually why I’m here.) For my 31st birthday, my Dad gave me a framed image of Mickey Mouse and a Walt Disney quote:Continue reading “of dreams and courage (again, always)”

an important detour, and a bit of a love story

Sometimes I come here because I just need the sense of accomplishment. Like, I’m going to be super honest with you- I don’t really feel like I have anything compelling to tell you today, but fuck, I really need to do something. (There is no going back.) It is just past 11 am, and my eyesContinue reading “an important detour, and a bit of a love story”

of (always) haircuts and mental illness

I’ve written before about my hair as sort of an homage to the characters/people who mean the most to me. Most recently, my hair was a white-blonde, fluffy homage to my deeply beloved Aziraphale of Good Omens.  I wanted it to be real, you see. I always want it to be Real: this being anyone butContinue reading “of (always) haircuts and mental illness”

and what’s on the other side

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I am thinking about frogs today. And not just Kermit, but we’ll get to him. (Always.) No, I am mostly and vainly thinking of myself for the past nearly seven months. I’ve been saying for a long time that I feel like I’ve been having a months-long panic attack that began on MondayContinue reading “and what’s on the other side”

won’t resent, won’t despair

CW: Depression, and where it goes sometimes. Be safe, friends.  Today was a Good Day. I put on my mask and washed my hands and picked up nice coffee and pastries with my good, good roommate. I ate those pastries and drank that coffee while I looked at a dear friend’s face and heard aContinue reading “won’t resent, won’t despair”