monster angst and pumpkin coffee

“Make me happy, and I shall again be virtuous.” Everything was sunshine when I first felt the Monster rumble underneath my skin. It’s a glorious morning– warm enough for iced coffee, but October enough for some pumpkin syrup. And there’s a nice breeze in the air and the sun is out and nothing is wrongContinue reading “monster angst and pumpkin coffee”

you are enough, or: i still have a lot of feelings about theme park rides

Part of what I like so much about theme parks is that you spend the whole day succeeding. Oh, Optimus Prime needs your help getting the AllSpark? No problem. Spider-Man needs your help taking down the Sinister Six? Nailed it! Doctor Doom needs your help harvesting screams to power Latveria? ON IT, DOOM. (For real.Continue reading “you are enough, or: i still have a lot of feelings about theme park rides”

what if you were already extraordinary?

When I was in the 8th grade, I saw Dead Poets’ Society for the first time, and I felt like I knew who I was supposed to be. I felt completely validated. I had been right all along about the power and importance of books and plays and poetry and following your dreams. I alreadyContinue reading “what if you were already extraordinary?”

dani & waddles, or the stuffed penguin who loved me

I was a stuffed animal kid. Stuffed animals are the best possible toy. They offer all of the companionship and boundless playing pretend opportunities that dolls do, but they aren’t creepy nor are they an upsetting push on little girls to go ahead and be super pumped about motherhood. Dude, I am three. Can IContinue reading “dani & waddles, or the stuffed penguin who loved me”

when what is true isn’t what is real

It feels just like a normal hangover. I am puffy, guilty, thirsty, and desperately wishing that I could take back all of the things I said yesterday, even if I meant them. Being in therapy or talking to a psychiatrist on any day that isn’t One of Those Days makes me feel like a liar.Continue reading “when what is true isn’t what is real”

captain underpants and the particularly poignant plot of precious partnership, or the joys of friendship & collaboration

I’ve been in a pretty deep depressive hole for the last few weeks. I don’t want to do anything, and I hate myself for it. I feel like I should want to do things– what’s the point in existing if we’re not doing things, right?–, so I judge myself to be a big, lazy idiotContinue reading “captain underpants and the particularly poignant plot of precious partnership, or the joys of friendship & collaboration”

here’s your chance, do your dance at the SAD JAM. all right.

When I was seven or eight years old, my dad signed me up for rec league basketball. My parents were both high school and college athletes, so they thought that it was really important for my little brother and I to participate in team sports. Before starting basketball, I went through a few thoroughly unremarkableContinue reading “here’s your chance, do your dance at the SAD JAM. all right.”

with a LOT of help from my friends

Yesterday afternoon, I saw IT for the second time. When I saw it on opening weekend, my date was my exceptionally awesome boyfriend. Yesterday, I was joined at the Regal Cinema by two exceptionally awesome friends who are boys. Neither of them had seen IT yet, and it was a nearly empty theatre, so weContinue reading “with a LOT of help from my friends”

life in the upside con

I can’t imagine not feeling at least a little strange after Dragon Con ends each year. Hell, I can’t even go immediately cold turkey off of Mountain Dew once the Con is over; I’m drinking one while I write this. Far moreso than at New Year’s Eve, Dragon Con puts into perspective for me whereContinue reading “life in the upside con”

one girl’s trash is another girl’s treasure, or “hakuna mozzarella”

TW: Self-harm. In the back half of 2011, I was 21, super depressed, sleeping on a mattress without a bed frame, and waiting tables at the local Taco Mac to support my Shakespeare habit. So, this one time, I ate a mozzarella stick from a trash can. It must have been a slower shift atContinue reading “one girl’s trash is another girl’s treasure, or “hakuna mozzarella””

achievements great & small

I’m working on re-calibrating my current definition of “enough,” specifically as it applies to my own expectations of myself. On paper, I’m living a life that would make my younger self jump up and down with glee; I work full-time for a professional Shakespeare company, and I still have time almost every week to spendContinue reading “achievements great & small”

on manta rays, helping out, and seeing your own sunshine

My birthday’s coming up, so I’m having a pretty reflective and contemplative week. How did I get here? Where am I going next? Have I done enough at this stage of my life? What would enough even look like? I don’t have answers to any of these questions, and that generally fills me with aContinue reading “on manta rays, helping out, and seeing your own sunshine”