There is this phantom of a Week I Had Once which haunts me. A year and a half later and it is still around every corner, it is lurking in every storm drain, it is in the eyes of the moth at my window, it winds its nails around my throat while I sleep, itContinue reading “reaches into where i cannot hide”
Tag Archives: FEELINGS
i used to run (have i already used that title? probably)
So, I had a panic attack in the parking lot of the Big Peach Running Co. today. I felt it bubbling all day, grinding and scraping away at my bones, my stomach lining, my fucking scalp. I feel so fucking angry. I want to cry, punch someone, and drink a milkshake, order negotiable. So, IContinue reading “i used to run (have i already used that title? probably)”
trying
I am trying. I am trying to do better. I am trying to wake up, perky and alert, am trying to serve cold brew with a smile, am trying to be satisfied with doing dishes and toasting bagels, am trying not to let the Voice in my head tell me it’s not enough. I amContinue reading “trying”
the blues ARE still blue
(thanks, belle & sebastian.) It feels like my words have dried up lately. On vacation last week, I was so excited by the prospect of HOTEL WRITING. Of jaunting off to the next door fancier resort, procuring an iced coffee, and scribbling out 1000 words before Hollywood Studios even OPENED. That was the dream. ItContinue reading “the blues ARE still blue”
easy like wednesday morning
It was easy this morning. It was easy to wake up, to feed Clementine, to make my bed, to lace up my shoes, and go. It was easy to appreciate the morning sunshine and to anticipate the iced vanilla latte. It was easy to smile as I listed in my head all my planned DisneyContinue reading “easy like wednesday morning”
a life worth living
And so a new dream emerges. It is quieter and (arguably) smaller and I will not give full voice to it just yet, lest the fairies be listening. The dream is still unspoken, but The Dream, always, has been the same: (or: my disney hero i want song) I want to show up in theContinue reading “a life worth living”
a story of rejection and updates, also all lemon cookies are inherently gay
(i don’t know why. i just feel it in my bones.) (anyway…) I definitely didn’t get into grad school. A panel of important people read my play about monsters working at a doughnut shop and they kindly said, “Oh, no, thank you.” And I didn’t get that job that would have paid so much more money.Continue reading “a story of rejection and updates, also all lemon cookies are inherently gay”
of home (again, i think)
first of all, it only started raining on my walk HOME from picking up my bagel and my iced coffee. Home. i have struggled with this concept my entire life. my alien body has choked on sobs in the dead of nights and i have begged to the moon, “i just want to go home.”Continue reading “of home (again, i think)”
to t or not to t
(I mean, it’s not really a question anymore. I stopped.) This morning I was working on picking out a monologue for Trans-speare when the ugly voices made their way into my brain again. You stopped taking testosterone. You were never really serious. It’s as we suspected all along: you’re just a cis girl who wantedContinue reading “to t or not to t”
but your dreams may not
It’s not time to make a changeJust relax, take it slowlyYou’re still young, that’s your faultThere’s so much you have to go through Can’t relax. Can’t take it slowly, THAT’S my fault. Okay, new plan, Team. (If you can stand it. I know I’m a lot:) I’ve been really, really low since the summer ofContinue reading “but your dreams may not”
(non) binary sunset
I’ve been on a low dose of testosterone for nine weeks. And I am so exceedingly grateful that it was an easy process to start. I know that is not the case for everyone. I went through Plume and was met with nothing but trust and belief and well wishing and positivity. So, yeah, nineContinue reading “(non) binary sunset”
but i am having this one
There was another life that I might have had, but I am having this one. Kazuo Ishiguro. (because here is the truth of the matter, for better or for worse:) I am probably not going to be accepted into an MFA program this year. It is already March and I have no news and IContinue reading “but i am having this one”
