hope – hope is the thing with lightsabers

was it you that said, how long?

I was walking home today with an iced dirty chai in my hand and there was just the tiniest hint of a late summer breeze in the air and for the first time in a really long time it seemed like breathing might actually be worth it. Inventory, self, of the twenty-ninth of August: ShortContinue reading “was it you that said, how long?”

reaches into where i cannot hide

There is this phantom of a Week I Had Once which haunts me. A year and a half later and it is still around every corner, it is lurking in every storm drain, it is in the eyes of the moth at my window, it winds its nails around my throat while I sleep, itContinue reading “reaches into where i cannot hide”

trying

I am trying. I am trying to do better. I am trying to wake up, perky and alert, am trying to serve cold brew with a smile, am trying to be satisfied with doing dishes and toasting bagels, am trying not to let the Voice in my head tell me it’s not enough. I amContinue reading “trying”

something like a break

Just a little one. Just for right now. Just to feel like a person again. Just to listen to “Stairway to Heaven” and drink my iced coffee. To remember that what I do is WORDS and that everything else: the job and the job and the other job… these are to afford the iced coffeeContinue reading “something like a break”

striking back

“Come with me. It is the only way.” We don’t always know, do we? Sometimes it takes someone else– even a near stranger– to implore us to search our own feelings. My personal queer origin story began, because of course it did, at Dragon Con in 2019. If you attended that year, you might recallContinue reading “striking back”

the blues ARE still blue

(thanks, belle & sebastian.) It feels like my words have dried up lately. On vacation last week, I was so excited by the prospect of HOTEL WRITING. Of jaunting off to the next door fancier resort, procuring an iced coffee, and scribbling out 1000 words before Hollywood Studios even OPENED. That was the dream. ItContinue reading “the blues ARE still blue”

the screen door slams

The last time I fell in love, I couldn’t stop listening to “Thunder Road.” (Is that a thing that happens when you realize you’re into girls? You get really into Bruce Springsteen? Experiences may vary.) I listened to a lot of songs the last time I fell in love. For the first time since adolescence,Continue reading “the screen door slams”

easy like wednesday morning

It was easy this morning. It was easy to wake up, to feed Clementine, to make my bed, to lace up my shoes, and go. It was easy to appreciate the morning sunshine and to anticipate the iced vanilla latte. It was easy to smile as I listed in my head all my planned DisneyContinue reading “easy like wednesday morning”

a life worth living

And so a new dream emerges. It is quieter and (arguably) smaller and I will not give full voice to it just yet, lest the fairies be listening. The dream is still unspoken, but The Dream, always, has been the same: (or: my disney hero i want song) I want to show up in theContinue reading “a life worth living”

of home (again, i think)

first of all, it only started raining on my walk HOME from picking up my bagel and my iced coffee. Home. i have struggled with this concept my entire life. my alien body has choked on sobs in the dead of nights and i have begged to the moon, “i just want to go home.”Continue reading “of home (again, i think)”

to t or not to t

(I mean, it’s not really a question anymore. I stopped.) This morning I was working on picking out a monologue for Trans-speare when the ugly voices made their way into my brain again. You stopped taking testosterone. You were never really serious. It’s as we suspected all along: you’re just a cis girl who wantedContinue reading “to t or not to t”

but your dreams may not

It’s not time to make a changeJust relax, take it slowlyYou’re still young, that’s your faultThere’s so much you have to go through Can’t relax. Can’t take it slowly, THAT’S my fault. Okay, new plan, Team. (If you can stand it. I know I’m a lot:) I’ve been really, really low since the summer ofContinue reading “but your dreams may not”