I judge myself a lot lately for writing here as frequently as I do. I don't feel as though I have anything new or exciting or particularly thoughtful to express. I used to think this blog was going to be the beginning of my pathway to writing for io9 or some other cool online nerd … Continue reading surprise, surprise; some stuff about depression
hope
of (always) haircuts and mental illness
I've written before about my hair as sort of an homage to the characters/people who mean the most to me. Most recently, my hair was a white-blonde, fluffy homage to my deeply beloved Aziraphale of Good Omens. I wanted it to be real, you see. I always want it to be Real: this being anyone but … Continue reading of (always) haircuts and mental illness
of monday morning to-go bagels
It is a deal I have made time and time again: Hey. (whispers Someone in my head; I do not know if they are angelic or demonic in nature we contain damn multitudes after all) "What?" I ask, groggy with sleep and stomach already aching with nerves. It is, after all, a day of fresh, … Continue reading of monday morning to-go bagels
fly
This piece was originally written and performed for Write Club Atlanta on May 13, 2020. I am thinking a lot lately about The E.T. Adventure at Universal Studios Florida. Partly because I am always thinking at least a little bit about The E.T. Adventure at Universal Studios Florida, but also because… well, it’s nice to … Continue reading fly
some more to do about hope
Forgive me, but I need to talk some more about hope today. "Hope is like the sun. If you only believe in it when you can see it, you'll never make it through the night." (Yes, General.) I had an interesting phone call with my therapist last night. I rambled for a while, as I … Continue reading some more to do about hope
just a little california dreaming
For we cannot tarry here, We must march my darlings, we must bear the brunt of danger, Except we must tarry here a little while longer, mustn't we? My darlings. Tell me where you're going next, and Next, please. (Tell me something, anything. You're still out there, right?) next, I am going to go outside, … Continue reading just a little california dreaming
but seriously, who will stop the rain (but the asia song this time)
What do you miss? I miss less than I expected, and I hesitate to characterize this thought as "comforting," but also... I am learning about myself. Learning that, here at nearly 31, I hardly know anything, really. For example, I do not miss waiting on the bus in the rain, do not miss being splattered … Continue reading but seriously, who will stop the rain (but the asia song this time)
who’ll stop the rain
I am ready to be my own Voice in my own head. I am ready to be louder than the Voices that have told me so many so many so many lies for so so so long. (Part of being loud is showing up here, I think. I still took a little break. I'll be … Continue reading who’ll stop the rain
leaving hogwarts
Lately I've been listening to a lot of John Williams' music for the Harry Potter movies, specifically the end track to Sorcerer's Stone: "Leaving Hogwarts." (Okay, my sweet fellow Puffs. I know you're worried and you're soft, and I love you. Put a snack in your backpack, because it's time for us to go.) I'm still a big … Continue reading leaving hogwarts
not today
You know what? I do not think I am getting out of bed today. And I am working on believing that this course of action does not make me weak. No. This decision means that I am actually quite strong. Means that I am willing to get ready to go another round. Today I need … Continue reading not today
once again, fuck this noise, or: (i am supposed to be revising)
But I cannot focus. I went through all the pre-writing rituals. My room is nice and clean, I have made my tea, my candle is lit, I am comfy and safe and I have nowhere else to be, nothing else to do. But I cannot focus. This is a theme lately. I cannot get through a … Continue reading once again, fuck this noise, or: (i am supposed to be revising)
it’s still the same old story… (or: as usual, go to hell, bipolar disorder, okay?)
And it is an old refrain, to be sure: They are just around because they feel sorry for you. They are around because they are worried that you're going to hurt yourself if you're alone. They do not enjoy you. They do not love you. You are a burden. (You said that to me once. I … Continue reading it’s still the same old story… (or: as usual, go to hell, bipolar disorder, okay?)
