rey (ben), these are your first steps.

I am having all these dreams since the appointment. Sometimes I have the opportunity to say out loud “I am transgender” to my late grandmother and she just hugs me. Sometimes my face contorts in the mirror before my eyes and I look as handsome as Adam Driver. Sometimes I am brave and truly whollyContinue reading “rey (ben), these are your first steps.”

leaving hogwarts, part III

(because the song is playing on my Wrapped playlist again and I never have the heart to skip it. thank you, mr. williams.) Here is what no one can take away from me: (No, not those who actively seek to drain me nor those who just unknowingly leech my sparkle.) I am a Hufflepuff. ThatContinue reading “leaving hogwarts, part III”

i don’t know. i was sad. (AGAIN)

CW: struggles with internalized transphobia and low body image. I feel fucking exhausted. My stomach hurts and I feel fucking exhausted. I know I said I wasn’t going to do this again for a little while, but when have I ever been the model of restraint? Things hurt today and I want to get itContinue reading “i don’t know. i was sad. (AGAIN)”

i might not get into grad school

My writing sample might not be good enough. My statements of purpose might be a mess. My resume might not be impressive. I might click the wrong button on the application. Maybe my undergrad GPA just isn’t up to snuff. On and on and on. Getting into grad school feels so very high stakes, soContinue reading “i might not get into grad school”

i thank the lord for the people i have found, or: a little more to do about fanfiction

A year ago today, I published my first piece of fanfiction since (probably) middle school. And oh, I AGONIZED over the task of actually writing the damn thing: I would sit on my couch in the dark at night, sipping on sweet fucking Shiraz, and listening to the same love songs over and over andContinue reading “i thank the lord for the people i have found, or: a little more to do about fanfiction”

(almost a year later) the rise of skywalker

Fine. (Let me be abundantly clear: I still hate this movie.) … I think. a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away: I saw Rise of Skywalker for the first and (until very recently) only time on opening night last December. And I’ve written about this before, but I needed it too much.Continue reading “(almost a year later) the rise of skywalker”

practicing my grad school essay

Dear Grad School: I haven’t known where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do for quite some time. When I went to college for the first time back in 2007, I honestly picked Creative Writing as my major because the faculty was supportive and kind and the senior seminar snacks were amazingContinue reading “practicing my grad school essay”

a promise lives within you now

May it be an evening starShines down upon youMay it be when darkness fallsYour heart will be trueYou walk a lonely roadOh, how far you are from home I think the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life was when I was in middle school and discovering The Lord of the Rings for theContinue reading “a promise lives within you now”

on halloween costumes

Childhood. Oh, a Disney princess. Fucking every year. No shame, Disney princesses are great. Adolescence. I vividly remember this one Halloween- I think I was 13?- when I decided I HAD TO BE SEXY. A SEXY WITCH. Fuck, how gross is it that 13-year-olds ever feel like they need to be sexy for any reasonContinue reading “on halloween costumes”