love – hope is the thing with lightsabers

i guess that’s why they call it the blues (thanks, sir elton)

I did not know my body could hold this much sadness. (Somebody said that already, right? Somebody smarter, probably a long time ago? I don’t recall.) I did not know that I could sit at a bakery with the remnants of seasonal vegetable quiche* and latte on my tongue, plants and babies and dogs inContinue reading “i guess that’s why they call it the blues (thanks, sir elton)”

trying

I am trying. I am trying to do better. I am trying to wake up, perky and alert, am trying to serve cold brew with a smile, am trying to be satisfied with doing dishes and toasting bagels, am trying not to let the Voice in my head tell me it’s not enough. I amContinue reading “trying”

the screen door slams

The last time I fell in love, I couldn’t stop listening to “Thunder Road.” (Is that a thing that happens when you realize you’re into girls? You get really into Bruce Springsteen? Experiences may vary.) I listened to a lot of songs the last time I fell in love. For the first time since adolescence,Continue reading “the screen door slams”

the truth is not cowardice

CW for trauma and suicidal ideation. Go gently, good hearts. I remember almost everything about the day I met the first person I ever loved. It was my second or third rehearsal with the Georgia Renaissance Festival and I was sixteen and excited out of my mind to be PROFESSIONALLY ACTING and I was onlyContinue reading “the truth is not cowardice”

12:32 after valentine’s day

12:32 am, and I do not know how to be awake at this hour and so I am sopping up the dragonberry rum with leftover potatoes and vegetarian gravy. (There is also cheese and hot sauce, I am not a monster.) 33 minutes after Valentine’s Day and I am full and I am loved, IContinue reading “12:32 after valentine’s day”

a happy place

This afternoon, in Sunday DBT group, we were asked again to close our eyes and go to “our happy place.” For the past however many weeks, I have ended up at the exact same place. (Except for a cry-worthy disaster during Week One, but we don’t need to get into that.) And that Exact SameContinue reading “a happy place”

hallelujah, by and by:

So, it seems increasingly likely The Thing isn’t going to happen. (Okay, we can talk about it: honestly, I was trying to skip town and perform at an international theme park for a year. I am nothing if not terribly predictable.) I am contending now with the reality of staying. Of moving forward even ifContinue reading “hallelujah, by and by:”

and what’s on the other side

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I am thinking about frogs today. And not just Kermit, but we’ll get to him. (Always.) No, I am mostly and vainly thinking of myself for the past nearly seven months. I’ve been saying for a long time that I feel like I’ve been having a months-long panic attack that began on MondayContinue reading “and what’s on the other side”

of unreturn’d love

Sometimes with one I love I fill myself with rage for fear I effuse unreturn’d love, But now I think there is no unreturn’d love, the pay is certain one way or another (I loved a certain person ardently and my love was not return’d, Yet out of that I have written these songs). (UncleContinue reading “of unreturn’d love”