i used to run (have i already used that title? probably)

So, I had a panic attack in the parking lot of the Big Peach Running Co. today. I felt it bubbling all day, grinding and scraping away at my bones, my stomach lining, my fucking scalp. I feel so fucking angry. I want to cry, punch someone, and drink a milkshake, order negotiable. So, IContinue reading “i used to run (have i already used that title? probably)”

i want to talk some more about rocketman

(Mostly because I need to not watch it for the nine billionth time right now. I need to go to bed. Sir Elton help me.) I think what I like so much about Rocketman is how unapologetic it is in its earnestness. In its strange, campy, sparkly sincerity. When the vision of baby-Reggie asks rehab-EltonContinue reading “i want to talk some more about rocketman”

i am not throwing away my shots (i think)

Y’all, I’m going to be totally honest: I’m not convinced I did my shot correctly last week and I AM STRESSED ABOUT IT. I’m looking forward to the day my hands don’t shake and my heart doesn’t race. When I don’t wince at all the fresh, red stretchmarks on my belly and just accept myContinue reading “i am not throwing away my shots (i think)”

rey (ben), these are your first steps.

I am having all these dreams since the appointment. Sometimes I have the opportunity to say out loud “I am transgender” to my late grandmother and she just hugs me. Sometimes my face contorts in the mirror before my eyes and I look as handsome as Adam Driver. Sometimes I am brave and truly whollyContinue reading “rey (ben), these are your first steps.”

leaving hogwarts, part III

(because the song is playing on my Wrapped playlist again and I never have the heart to skip it. thank you, mr. williams.) Here is what no one can take away from me: (No, not those who actively seek to drain me nor those who just unknowingly leech my sparkle.) I am a Hufflepuff. ThatContinue reading “leaving hogwarts, part III”

i don’t know. i was sad. (AGAIN)

CW: struggles with internalized transphobia and low body image. I feel fucking exhausted. My stomach hurts and I feel fucking exhausted. I know I said I wasn’t going to do this again for a little while, but when have I ever been the model of restraint? Things hurt today and I want to get itContinue reading “i don’t know. i was sad. (AGAIN)”

that shines from you (i’ve probably already used that as a title, haven’t it? dammit, dani)

The plays (for now!) are done! Nothing to write but blogs and fics and grad school essays! How am I coping, you might be wondering? Well, I’ve watched Rocketman three nights in a row, for a starter. Here’s the thing: I just… fucking love this movie. I never expected it to hit me the wayContinue reading “that shines from you (i’ve probably already used that as a title, haven’t it? dammit, dani)”

i’m gay: (just a little thing)

Sort of like a poem, really. Originally posted to Patreon on Halloween 2020: I have spoken it before with uncertainty and fear. Um, I think I might be gay? I have spoken it as an in-advance apology, still figuring things out. I’m really worried I might just be gay. I have whispered it joyfully intoContinue reading “i’m gay: (just a little thing)”