transgender – hope is the thing with lightsabers

dress rehearsal, i guess

(what i want to say:) hello. (great start, daniel.) hello. it’s me. thank you for my name. i hope you won’t be offended, but i have taken the bones of the name i once had and i have twisted it up a little bit. see, there’s an elton john song called “daniel” and i likeContinue reading “dress rehearsal, i guess”

love letter to my 10-year-old self

Dear Daniel of May 1999, Hello, soft boy who does not know to call himself a boy. (you will come back here.) You are about to be 10 years old and there is going to be Star Wars in the world again and there are toys for it at Taco Bell and hey, real quick,Continue reading “love letter to my 10-year-old self”

of home (again, i think)

first of all, it only started raining on my walk HOME from picking up my bagel and my iced coffee. Home. i have struggled with this concept my entire life. my alien body has choked on sobs in the dead of nights and i have begged to the moon, “i just want to go home.”Continue reading “of home (again, i think)”

to t or not to t

(I mean, it’s not really a question anymore. I stopped.) This morning I was working on picking out a monologue for Trans-speare when the ugly voices made their way into my brain again. You stopped taking testosterone. You were never really serious. It’s as we suspected all along: you’re just a cis girl who wantedContinue reading “to t or not to t”

(non) binary sunset

I’ve been on a low dose of testosterone for nine weeks. And I am so exceedingly grateful that it was an easy process to start. I know that is not the case for everyone. I went through Plume and was met with nothing but trust and belief and well wishing and positivity. So, yeah, nineContinue reading “(non) binary sunset”

i want to talk some more about rocketman

(Mostly because I need to not watch it for the nine billionth time right now. I need to go to bed. Sir Elton help me.) I think what I like so much about Rocketman is how unapologetic it is in its earnestness. In its strange, campy, sparkly sincerity. When the vision of baby-Reggie asks rehab-EltonContinue reading “i want to talk some more about rocketman”

i am not throwing away my shots (i think)

Y’all, I’m going to be totally honest: I’m not convinced I did my shot correctly last week and I AM STRESSED ABOUT IT. I’m looking forward to the day my hands don’t shake and my heart doesn’t race. When I don’t wince at all the fresh, red stretchmarks on my belly and just accept myContinue reading “i am not throwing away my shots (i think)”

rey (ben), these are your first steps.

I am having all these dreams since the appointment. Sometimes I have the opportunity to say out loud “I am transgender” to my late grandmother and she just hugs me. Sometimes my face contorts in the mirror before my eyes and I look as handsome as Adam Driver. Sometimes I am brave and truly whollyContinue reading “rey (ben), these are your first steps.”

leaving hogwarts, part III

(because the song is playing on my Wrapped playlist again and I never have the heart to skip it. thank you, mr. williams.) Here is what no one can take away from me: (No, not those who actively seek to drain me nor those who just unknowingly leech my sparkle.) I am a Hufflepuff. ThatContinue reading “leaving hogwarts, part III”

christmas 2021: a fantasy

(just a moment to dream, thank you:) I wake up not in a hotel in Beaverton, Oregon, but in a super-nerdily decorated apartment in Chicago, Iowa City, New York City, somewhere in Rhode Island… It will just be my apartment, for the first time. (Don’t ask me how I can afford it on a gradContinue reading “christmas 2021: a fantasy”

i don’t know. i was sad. (AGAIN)

CW: struggles with internalized transphobia and low body image. I feel fucking exhausted. My stomach hurts and I feel fucking exhausted. I know I said I wasn’t going to do this again for a little while, but when have I ever been the model of restraint? Things hurt today and I want to get itContinue reading “i don’t know. i was sad. (AGAIN)”

what it might have been like:

I am thinking tonight of my summer at the Governor’s Honors Program. Thinking of how we all spent Field Day sitting together under a tree, talking about movies and about poetry. I am thinking of how sincerely I loved you and how differently it could have been if I’d known. “Daniel,” I might have introducedContinue reading “what it might have been like:”